For many years the sun could shine it’s brightest and inside I’d still feel gloomy and like a failure. I don’t care how many accolades over my lifetime that I’d get for work well done, expectations exceeded, mountains moved; that sense of falling short haunted me almost immediately thereafter. For a long time I could not pinpoint the trigger eventually attributing it to a time from my childhood. See, we all carry something that we look back upon and say, “Why didn’t I?” or “If I could have just…” It plays over and over like a broken record. The mental reenactment is full of anguish and leaves you even more distraught every time it spins. It chips away at you until you simply want to draw the curtains and pull the covers over your head FOREVER.
As we become adults we’re focused on moving forward despite our shortcomings and we condition our thoughts in picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and pressing forward with the a stronger drive and determination. We reconcile that we just have to try harder next time. Sometimes that next time doesn’t surface, and in this sense that’s a great thing. I wouldn’t want to relive it all over again in the physical. Memories are truly enough. To hear the sounds, be awakened by the light, and awakened again by my mother’s cry after darkness abruptly overtakes me. Something has transpired leaving scars on the night and sealed in “our” childhood memories forever. The room has held me hostage in this place, on this street where the streetlamps glow into the bedroom window.
This sense of failure resulted from unresolved feelings of being just too little to fight back, too little to stand up to the perp as he preyed upon my sibling. I think about it every day, every time she and I speak. My chocolate baby doll; my little sister. How could she ever forgive me and how could I ever forgive myself. For many years I couldn’t, and I still struggle when the thoughts flood my mind. I’m thinking its where my determination to help as many others as I can come from, because I am sorry and at time sorrowful. Being able to sympathize and empathize with those in need has almost become my gift and curse.
The need to forgive yourself is stronger than you could ever know. Without taking the time to do so and recognize it simply wasn’t your fault, you will be captive in your mind forever. You will be trapped in a time that you cannot change. Once I became aware of that a fire engulfed me. I am no longer “too little and weak”. I vowed to love my chocolate baby doll harder than ever before to help her healing process continue throughout the rest of our lives, AND I vowed to speak up, out, against and for those who could not speak for themselves. The Sun rays touched my cheek this day as God took my hand leading me out of the darkness of that night. The warmth spoke to my Soul in soothing calm. Forgiveness had finally come for me.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5